and here we go again..

i thought about writing a new post, but then remembered that what i want to say was basically written a year ago.

so since im in the bringing from the past kind of mood ill share with you a snippet of a past blog entry..

"you never want to admit to yourself that your lonely. well, at least not to other people. you want to have a sense of strength that you dont need a damn man to make you happy, but in actuality it wouldn't hurt to feel his hands touch your skin. sending nerves all over your body. you want to turn in he middle of the night and find your man's bare chest moving up and down rhythmically with his breathing moving you as well as you place your hand on him. im strong. i can proudly say that i am strong. BUT, i yearn for more. i yearn for a sense of protection i have never had. when he hugs me i want it to feel like a thousand men are surrounding me from the world and nothing bad will ever happen. i know its not reality but a guy can still dream .... right?"

like many, i thought i could erase my insecurities with what i thought at the time would help but it didn't. i thought back then that my "prince charming" was going to magically appear and be all i want and need in a man. as i grew up last year i turned my focus on myself, i cant expect someone to come and love me when i dont even love myself. the only reason why i want him to come to me is because i cant find the courage or confidence to approach him. and then i thought, what if he does come to me, im only going to try and play the games i saw my friends play time and time and probably turn him off. that wouldnt have been me.

i put on a facade because im scared. im scared of rejection, im scared to become close to anyone. im scared of the truth from others so i repeat negative things in my head so i can get accustomed. i basically put myself through hell in hopes that someone will save me. i cant do that anymore.

its time to grow up